Yesterday and earlier today I went through a complete anxiety overload. I hate my anxiety disorder, I know I have one, and now acknowledge the fact I have one. And I'm thinking of talking to my parents to actually have me visit a psychiatrist perhaps. Can't run away from this forever, and if I don't fix this problem now, I am sure I will drive myself insane, give myself more health problems, never gain weight properly like I need to, and be the cause of breaking up with my current relationship. Which I cannot even fathom to think.
To get my thoughts together, I decided to give myself a 'day off' today from people and everyone, but so far I'm failing miserably. I've been on the dreaded slave of facebook all day and have found ways and excuses to text my boyfriend for absolutely no reason. So there's another disorder notch in my mind as well, I hate..hate..HATE to admit but I have dependecy issues. I fear rejection and lonliness so I treasure my family, close friends, and relationships a bit TOO much to the point where I don't function properly if I don't know what's going on with them. It's sickening, for a person who values independence and solitude, I have a dependency issue. fml.
I am going to find a way to fix it, but I can't do it alone. Which is why I'm okay with the idea of a psychiatrist (you should have seen me months ago when my parents suggested it, I was hysterical to say the least)
For now, I'm procrastinating terribly on all my chores. Wish I knew why, I probably..no..most likely..no...NEED TO get on that, my parents will be home in 5 hours approximately and I don't want to spend the last hour rushing things, that's not 'mature' at all -_-
Plus I want nothing to worry about at the moment besides playing my Persona 3 FES. I'm in love with that game..still..and the ps2 is currently still on and has been for 2 days straight because I disregard the responsibility to save before every big talk scene or boss fight. When will I learn?~ Anyway..
I've fixed up my blog. I like it this way. And I fixed up the profile playlist, and have decided on a final name. And I enjoy it. I kind of went old school with it, (old school in my terms..the 'old me' which was a very dramatic poetic artistic realist..and I want that back..it makes me happy.)
That's all the updates I have for today..unless I come up with more..Sorry for lack of pictures. Not much to image in this post.
-Des
'S Jenn~ Hi~
ReplyDeleteWah I can sit here for hours and talk to you about your dilemma and tell you that HEY it's kind of normal. You still gotta realize you're only 18 years old. Hormones will still fuck with you, also you're old enough to think for yourself so things you thought were important, or things people TOLD you important aren't anymore.
I have a good friend named Katie who goes through anxiety attacks. BAD ones where she hyperventilates. That being said she doesn't see a psychiatrist, and don't think that you need to.
Then again you know what's best for yourself so I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm just saying...THINK. That anxiety attack you had...was it just from built up stress and pressure and lack of alone time or do you really think you have a mental condition that fuels it?
I don't know you as well as I would like, but at least from what I remember you always led a very controlled life when it came to your parents and such. Permissions and things along those lines can be disgustingly constricting.
Maybe you just need a healthy dose of rebellion? Like I said I don't know your current living conditions so I could be completely wrong.
Don't be ashamed to want to see your boyfriend. That's OKAY. Spend some time with him, then spend time alone. If he leaves you because you have a few personal issues you need to work out with yourself? Then he wasn't worth your time in the first place.
I hope I helped at least slightly. Honestly I feel like my entire comment sounded like a know it all bitch being rude and blehhhh >_> today's been fucked up.
Gonna try to sleep the day away now.
Text me if you want~
~Jenn
Yeah I remember that controlled life :P
ReplyDeleteJunior year and senior year the 'control' went out the window and the rebellion nearly cost me a suicide. -_- (we won't relive that hehe)
It did help though, your looong comment haha.
I'm still on the bridge about the psychiatrist. I've been dealing with anxiety problems for years, but the older I get the worse they get as well -_-
and true, still young, but more or less I'm thinking I'm at that stage where I'm battling morals that have been attatched to me for 17 years to breathing and running away and discovering something new that's inside of me.
That's what I'm at war against..whether or not I can crawl out of this cocoon.
And the bf thing, meh, it's all still newish to me to be honest. Part of me still wants to be that jr. high man hating chick XD but alas, we grow when watered.
Dez! I half understand you! My family suffers from anxiety! So I know what it does, it sucks.)My mom and I think I have it too but I think I'm in the running away from it stage. That or I haven't been stressed enough to go through another attack. The whole depending thing I know I have and it sucks because I, like you, love being left alone without being alone if that makes any sense at all XD Oh Dez, you'll make it through and be alright I know it! And when I see you happy you make me feel like I'll be okay because we're zodiac twins! (Oh noes! Long comment DX )
ReplyDeleteoh the power of the archer! >:3
ReplyDelete